"My mom died suddenly on September 4, 2006. After she died, I realized how much she has shield me away from my father's mental state. He doesn't have Alzheimer's, but he has short term memory and is often lost. I took him to my mother's funeral, and to the burial, but when we got home, he would ask me every 15-20 minutes where my mother was. I'd have to then explain to him over and over again that she had died and that we just went to her funeral. This news was shocking to him, as he had no memory to these events. After a while, I realized that I couldn't tell him that his wife had died. He didn't remember and it was killing the both us, to constantly re-live her death. I decided to tell him that she had gone to Paris, to take care of her sick brother. And that was where she was now. As I am writing this, he's 97, and he'll be 98, on March 11, 2008.
It's rather odd....my mom's death had taken on a slightly absurd aspect these days. When my dad ask where she is, I still say she's in Paris. But when he ask me what she's doing there, rather than the usual story, I'll just say that she's running a very famous flea circus. Then I would do some circus acts in front of my father, and it will make the both of us laugh! I love moments like these. For just a few minutes, everything almost feels normal again. My mom isn't dead, and we're not pretending she's gone to Paris. Oh~how sweet that would be.
This sums up almost everything about my father. It's who he is, and its what is left of him. AMBITION. As a child, I grew up on stories about my father's daring in the business world. For him, everything was always possible. He always pushed me to do better, to work harder. It actually made me a little crazy sometimes.
My father.....often tells me he wants to die. He says its time for him to go, that he's been around too long. It's odd, because a part of me wants him to go too. This is no life for him, living in the twilight of half memories. But he is the only really close family I have left. After him, thats it. The other day, when he said he wanted to die, I told him that the problem was that he exercised his entire life, so he was in too good of a shape to do so. He looked at me, raised his finger, and said "Next time around, I'm going to stay in bed!" He may not be able to remember much, but he's still pretty sharp.
Its amazing. My father is so appreciative of the love he receives. Each time I visit, its like an incredible gift, to him and to me. Its feels as if we're drinking deeply from the same well, for one last time. He's always talking about how much he loves me. These are things he never told me before.
Sometimes, when we're talking, my dad will stop, and sigh......and then close his eyes. It's then that I know, that he knows. About my mom........About everything.
My father was 98 today."
As I am sitting here, reading and writing this blog, I can only think about my own father. The time is now 8:30 in the evening.....At this time, while some fathers are home having a nice dinner with his family, or bonding with his children, or sitting on the couch watching TV,......My father is still working. He works at least 10 hours a day, and 7 days a week. All throughout my life, all the sacrifices that he had ever made was all for the benefit of his family. 26 years ago, my father came to the US, and it was the first time he had ever been on a plane. Its 26 years now, and he has still never been back on a plane. He often talks about the countries that he one day wishes to travel to...and when I hear what his wishes are.....it just breaks my heart. Not because I know that I am not capable to fulfill his wishes, but because I know that financially....I know it's something that wont be happening soon. There are so many things I wish that I can give to my father......I am still working on it now.....it may not happen within the next year, but one day, I wish for my father to retire......to live the life Katelyn's father should live.
There are times when I was younger, I prayed to GOD, and asked him that if I was to leave one day, to please bring me back to a wealthy family. I wished for parents who would be able to buy me anything that I wanted. I wanted to live a smoother life, I wanted a perfect family......I wanted my friend's family......
When I was younger, I didnt understand why when my classmates shared their weekend family trips to Disneyland and how they met Mickey Mouse....I would have no clue what they are talking about. I saw my grandparents more than my parents. I didnt understand why when my classmates had big lavish birthday parties at McDonald's, all I would have was a birthday cake. I didnt understand why when my classmates gets to go to the library for storytime, I would be at home babysitting my brothers. I didnt understand why.....................but as I get older, I look around.....and when I see the house I live in, the room I have, the clothes that are hanging in my closet, the bed I sleep in, the blanket that keeps me warm through the winter time.........I understand why.
As I got older, I prayed to GOD, and asked him that if I was to leave one day, to please bring me back to the same family. I wish for my parents, the parents, the brothers, that I have now. I would give up wealth, give up a smoother life, give up the perfect family, to just have the parents that I have now. My father may not live to be 98, but I will do all that I can to cherish the time we have together. Because in life, there are things that money cant buy........and one of these things is the smile that I have on my face now, as I am thinking of my father............................
*~Katelyn~*
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